May I Say Something??

It doesn’t take that much MORE effort to give a person a kindness instead of an “I told you so!” or “been there, done that!!” or “what did you expect?” or “get OVER it!” An online friend has lost her beloved doggie – she is HURT, sad, crying. How INHUMANE it would be to tell her “oh yeah, we lost a dog too – been there, done that!”. Why is it so difficult for humans to think of others for a change – to really put themselves in their shoes and assuage their pain by either letting them know you are keeping them in prayer (if indeed you are – don’t be untruthful) or that you are at least thinking of them daily with hopes that each day will ease the pain a little. Some are so cruel as to even say (after the loss of a beloved dog) “you, can always go down to the shelter and pick out another one!”. If you can’t say anything kind, nice or sympathetic, then don’t say anything at all. Sometimes even a simple, humble, sincere “I’m SORRY for your loss” brings comfort. I have a friend who is at her wit’s end trying to raise a teenager – her son can be sassy, disrespectful, inconsiderate, lazy and downright HURTFUL. Of course it is EASY to blurt out “been there, done that!” – but where is the humanity in such a trite remark? Even if you HAVE “been there, done that” – do you really think these words will comfort the friend who confided enough in you to tell you the difficulties she is having? I REPEAT: if you can’t say anything kind, nice or sympathetic, then don’t say anything at all. If you truly have “been there” then at least give the person HOPE that there is light at the end of the tunnel – that these ARE rough years, but that things will get better and to not give up hope. Give them advice such as “try to be as NEUTRAL as possible so as not to engage your teen into an argument”. “Don’t take any of the insults personally” – sometimes teens HAVE to resort to emotional outbursts in order to show their need to express their independence. Let your friend know that you are there 24/7 if she ever needs to TALK to you. I have a friend whose son passed away. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain she must be feeling day after day. In the “order of life” we all expect that WE will die first, not our children. Such a loss must be almost impossible to HEAL. Don’t be callous if a friend TRUSTS you enough to tell you such a thing – don’t say “oh, you’ll get over it” – she WON’T!! Just let her know you are praying for her (if indeed you are praying for her – be HONEST!) or at least thinking of her daily in your thoughts. AND if you have a friend who has an illness that has no cure, one that is going to progressively get worse….DON’T say “get well soon!” – you know that’s not going to happen so why give such an inhumane, flippant reply?? Again – either pray for them, put them in your daily thoughts (if you are not a person who turns to prayer) and wish them a pain-free day or week, and do so SINCERELY, from the heart. If you have a friend who has just (finally) broken up with an abusive boyfriend or husband – whatever you do – don’t say “I told you he was no good!” – what kind of human being says such things callously? Would YOU like someone to tell you such things?? Instead – let that person know that you appreciate her trust in you –that you appreciate that she confided in you….and then take it from there as a true friend. Let her know you ARE THERE 24/7 if she wants to TALK. Let her know she made the right (albeit sometimes difficult) decision to break up as abusers only get more abusive. Invite her out for a coffee and let her pour her heart out. Let her know you “stand by her” if she is afraid. There are so many POSITIVE ways we can help others. It is just too easy to criticize. If your sentence starts with “Well, why do you let….” or “What did you expect….?”…..then whatever follows from your lips is probably going to be hurtful, harmful and useless as far as a friend goes. Real friends pick you UP from the ground instead of telling you all the reasons you fell down. The next time someone trusts you enough to confide in them as a friend – BE that friend that they need.