Negative People

Being around negative people is a sure-fired way to become negative oneself and be drained of energy.  We’ve all heard the phrase “misery loves company”.  Negative people are basically unhappy people and will try their level best to drag you down to that black hole where they live.

Maybe you have trouble even noticing who the negative people are in your life.  If your mother and sister just died and someone comes up to you and says “Oh, bad news comes in THREES” (in other words you’re about to have another death in the family)….THAT is a negative person.  If you’re trying your best to lose weight by walking on a treadmill daily and someone comes to tell you about his cousin who had to have knee surgery because of what the treadmill did to her knees…..THAT is a negative person.  A positive person can look at a house with aluminum siding and say “Isn’t it great?  Those people will never have to paint their house!”  A negative person will look at the same aluminum siding and reply “yes, but you never know what is HIDING behind that siding!” (in other words perhaps wood rot, etc.).  It’s the “bottle half full” mindset vs. “bottle half empty”.    

Firstly, try to avoid such people.  If they go on and on about some negative incident (trust me, these folks will always personally KNOW someone who either died of or had brain damage from the same surgery you’re about to have)…..just look at your watch and say “Hold that thought!  I’ll be right back.”  Then leave the room, perhaps go to the washroom, wash your hands, comb your hair, take your time.  There’s a very good chance that by the time you return the negative person will have lost his/her train of thought.

Secondly, it takes two people to dance.  How fun is it to dance all by oneself?  When a negative person says something negative to you…..he is hoping to get a reaction from you or push the button that causes you to get upset.  They play this negativity game because they’re starved for attention and one surefire way to get noticed is to provoke someone into getting upset.  Mind you, most people don’t realize they are even being negative (more on that later).  But if you don’t swallow the bait – he can longer derive pleasure….he is dancing alone.  If you “dance” with him/her in that “waltz of negativity”, you are not only reinforcing the negative person to STAY negative (because they see they get attention that way)….but you are being dragged down the vortex right along with them.  Compare this to dog training…….do you reward your doggie when he jumps up on you?….do you say “Good boy!!”….certainly not.  Do you imitate his bad behaviour when he’s done something naughty….certainly not!  So every time you engage in a negative person’s “web” (and believe me they can spin a web faster than any spider) you are “rewarding them” for behaving in a negative way.

Many people do not even realize they are being negative.  It (negativity) has just become such a way of living that they don’t realize how truly negative they are.  Here’s something you might try after a negative friend tells you about some dog the size of your dog who was carried away and eaten by a hawk, or tells you about a cousin whose hangnail got so infected the whole hand had to be amputated.  Just look them in the eye after they finish and say.  “Now, tell me a POSITIVE story!” and watch the reaction.  They will be a little startled and this is because they weren’t aware they were telling a negative story.  If they follow with another negative story….wait patiently and repeat “Now, tell me a positive story!”  It will do one of two things…..it might actually help the person realize how negative he/she is and help him/her to become a more positive, optimistic person…..or (so you must be prepared for this as well) they will no longer want to be your friend, period.  You’re no fun to “dance” with any longer.

Negative people aren’t just ones who tell you horror stories about someone who nearly died from whatever you are doing.  Negative people can be quite subtle in their manipulation.  Let’s say you baked a type of bread that everyone compliments you on.  The negative person might say “You made it from scratch, right?”  You reply truthfully “actually, it was a bread mix that I doctored up”.  The negative person now has “fuel” to tell you that he makes his bread from scratch and that he doesn’t understand why you have to use a pre-made mix when it’s so EASY to make it properly from scratch.  In case you didn’t realize it – he just took a shot at you and basically called you lazy.  Negative people will compare their own work ethics, thriftiness habits, cooking habits to yours….but they will never compliment you.  They will ask you WHY you put so much “this and that” or why you don’t make your own pillows from dustballs (I’m just kidding on that one, but you get my point) when you could save $2.00 by making your own.   As you can see there are many different types of negative people. 

The third type of negative people are what I call the “dream busters”.  These people will ask your ideas or plans…..only to tell you what negative thing will happen because of it. 

So, this is my personal  philosophy.  Something is very sad, empty, void or wrong the lives of such people.  Perhaps they were hurt deeply (just remember – you cannot help them overcome that….they must do it on their own).  Perhaps they were in a group and longed to “fit in” and were instead ignored or shunned.  Be very kind to such people, but do not let them drag you into their web of negativity.  It’s very difficult to do (especially if you are a hothead personality), but  try not to personalize their comments.  They’re not telling you that you baked a rotten loaf of bread…..they’re reliving an experience they had when they made something and didn’t receive accolades.  You can’t “undo” their past.  Try to desensitize yourself to their comments.  If they push your buttons to the point where you are about to say something negative to them….get up physically and go wash your hands in the washroom.  I know, easier said than done.  But you cannot allow such people to drag you down.  My basic rules are:

1. Try to avoid being with negative people in the first place.
2. If you can’t avoid being with them……do not allow their negative remarks to hurt you.  Don’t take the remarks personally; desensitize.  You weren’t the one who made them the way they are.
3. Don’t “dance” with them….let them dance alone.  After a while they will grow weary of dancing alone; don’t bite on the bait.
4. Be kind and loving to such people.  It’s difficult for a person to be negative or spiteful when you shower them with love (and mean it sincerely!).
5. Be yourself.